3. Burying the Hatchet - A First Step
Sep. 16th, 2020 06:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smartass_captainNothing can ever just be easy, can it?
Felix's foolhardy attempts at secrecy to fix his own mistakes marked only the beginning of the storm that followed. He's recovering well. Thank every one of Felix's gods for that. Jim has spent more nights lying awake tormented by nightmares and what-ifs than he'd like to admit in the days since. Felix probably knows. Jim hasn't exactly been hiding the shadows underneath his eyes nor the amount of caffeine he's started consuming to get through his shifts. Work that is ramping up again on top of old friends calling at the worst time to ask for his help--taking him away from the ship for days at a time.
Somehow Jim manages to keep up. He's stretched thin but he's doing his best to keep the promises he's made to Felix after the Winter Storm. Even if it's under the guise of tending to Felix's own injuries, Jim makes time to eat and to at least attempt sleep curled up with his husband.
Jim's honestly trying.
It's long hours and travel and uncomfortable evenings sometimes of neither he nor Felix knowing what to say but Jim's sticking it out. He cares too much to let things slip back to the way they were after Rielle the first time. He promised he wouldn't run away again.
No matter how tempting it might be. The crew know there's something eating at their captain. Jim's always hated feeling as though he was being coddled or treated delicately. Lieutenant Norn has asked over Felix's well being once or twice but Jim fears he's intimidated the other as that's all but dried up. Hendorff's caught him in the cafeteria and offered to help Jim brush up on his hand to hand. He's learned a lot in the last year and a half from Isidor Durant--enough not to completely make a fool of himself. Jim throws himself into it and just gives in to the outlet for all the pent-up frustration, fear, and anxiety he's been holding on to. Every swing a tear he's held off from shedding, an unkind word he's wanted to speak, a quiet admission that Jim is not as okay as he tells himself.
It's enough to wear him out so the nightmares can't reach him as easily. So he's too tired to be upset.
None of it prepares him for the incoming message waiting for him on his personal device after Jim trudges back to his quarters for the evening after training session. Felix is down in sickbay getting his bandages changed. It's Tiber who chirps in alarm when Jim knocks his mug of coffee off the desk before climbing up to headbutt Jim and make sure his bonded is alright. It's a message from one Commodore Kirk.
Congratulations are in order, I hear. Your brother didn't say anything either, so I suppose I can only be so upset with you.
Your nephew sent a card I've made a holo of attached.
Please call. You've missed a lot.
Love,
Mom
Felix's foolhardy attempts at secrecy to fix his own mistakes marked only the beginning of the storm that followed. He's recovering well. Thank every one of Felix's gods for that. Jim has spent more nights lying awake tormented by nightmares and what-ifs than he'd like to admit in the days since. Felix probably knows. Jim hasn't exactly been hiding the shadows underneath his eyes nor the amount of caffeine he's started consuming to get through his shifts. Work that is ramping up again on top of old friends calling at the worst time to ask for his help--taking him away from the ship for days at a time.
Somehow Jim manages to keep up. He's stretched thin but he's doing his best to keep the promises he's made to Felix after the Winter Storm. Even if it's under the guise of tending to Felix's own injuries, Jim makes time to eat and to at least attempt sleep curled up with his husband.
Jim's honestly trying.
It's long hours and travel and uncomfortable evenings sometimes of neither he nor Felix knowing what to say but Jim's sticking it out. He cares too much to let things slip back to the way they were after Rielle the first time. He promised he wouldn't run away again.
No matter how tempting it might be. The crew know there's something eating at their captain. Jim's always hated feeling as though he was being coddled or treated delicately. Lieutenant Norn has asked over Felix's well being once or twice but Jim fears he's intimidated the other as that's all but dried up. Hendorff's caught him in the cafeteria and offered to help Jim brush up on his hand to hand. He's learned a lot in the last year and a half from Isidor Durant--enough not to completely make a fool of himself. Jim throws himself into it and just gives in to the outlet for all the pent-up frustration, fear, and anxiety he's been holding on to. Every swing a tear he's held off from shedding, an unkind word he's wanted to speak, a quiet admission that Jim is not as okay as he tells himself.
It's enough to wear him out so the nightmares can't reach him as easily. So he's too tired to be upset.
None of it prepares him for the incoming message waiting for him on his personal device after Jim trudges back to his quarters for the evening after training session. Felix is down in sickbay getting his bandages changed. It's Tiber who chirps in alarm when Jim knocks his mug of coffee off the desk before climbing up to headbutt Jim and make sure his bonded is alright. It's a message from one Commodore Kirk.
Congratulations are in order, I hear. Your brother didn't say anything either, so I suppose I can only be so upset with you.
Your nephew sent a card I've made a holo of attached.
Please call. You've missed a lot.
Love,
Mom
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Date: 2020-09-16 11:56 pm (UTC)Felix freezes, as the door swishes shut behind him. His mind's racing immediately through the possible causes - it's the tension between them boiling up at last, it's Jim finding out something else he did (what? what else has he done?) or, no, something happened in training it was supposed to just be training what happened-
He takes a deep breath. Whatever it is, Jim needs- deserves - his husband to step forward instead of cowering by the door. He crosses the floor toward Jim. Notices the damp cloth on the corner of the desk, like it's been wiped in a hurry.
"...Something's wrong." He reaches out to Jim- settles the touch on his shoulder, because that seems most likely to be allowed. Gently, "What is it, beloved?"
He really hopes the answer isn't him.no subject
Date: 2020-09-17 12:09 am (UTC)Jim's an uncle. They want to see him. Hear from him.
It's too much. It's too sudden.
It's--Jim startles at Felix's touch on his shoulder, dragging in a deep breath he didn't even realize he needed. He'd been so deep in his own head reeling at the message repeating itself over and over in his mind's eye.
"You're back." He even sounds shaken. Jim licks at dry lips. Tries for a more even tone. "Everything uh. E...everything go alright?"
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Date: 2020-09-17 12:27 am (UTC)Chased out by something else.
It's hard to feel too relieved, but Felix is a bit more confident when he squeezes Jim's shoulder. "Completely fine. They're going to let me take the bandages off in a few days. I think the doctor's just being over cautious now. Trying to teach me a lesson for my 'pig-headed dumbassery'."
...Yes, he's trying to mimic Bones's accent, there. Anything to break the stunned look on Jim's face, the mask he's trying to put up.
His hand moves to cup his husband's cheek. "...Jim."
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Date: 2020-09-17 10:51 am (UTC)If only because Jim's new habit of stopping after shift to train with security has eaten up all of that pent up energy he's carried with him back to his quarters after shift up until now. He's easier to talk to when he hasn't been stewing over things actively for an entire shift before coming back to Felix.
"Yeah?" His lips even twitch into a weak smile at Felix's impression of their CMO. It's not even half bad, really. He tries for more words that come out an unintelligible mumble before Jim almost looks back away at his desk again. Stops to feel that cloth covered hand caressing his face.
"It's..." Nothing? Jim swallows the word immediately. It's so bad a lie to tell but the captain doesn't know where to start. He licks at his lip again before he opens his mouth but doesn't get much farther. It's not...it shouldn't be that big of a deal. It's Tiber who jumps back up onto the desk and knocks Jim's PADD closer to where Felix is, still chirping his concern.
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Date: 2020-09-17 12:02 pm (UTC)"...Stendarr's mercy." It's a mild oath, Felix biting his tongue not to say more. He leans against the desk, drops the PADD back down. Swallows before he looks at Jim again. The captain's avoidance of his family- his mother, really, since his brother vacated the stage of his own accord - has been deliberate and complete all the years Felix has known him. Even if Jim didn't share every detail about how he felt or why, the Imperial has come to understand on a gut level: Jim Kirk does not do family.
Until now?
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Date: 2020-09-17 03:08 pm (UTC)There's precious little there and yet so very much. Jim nods at the exclamation his husband gives once, but the gesture morphs into a helpless little shrug partway through.
"We've got a nephew, apparently." One old enough to make his own cards, at that. Just the tip of an iceberg of uncomfortable and frankly unfathomable truths Jim's done so well at avoiding all this time.
"....I kinda thought she'd have found out about the marriage sooner. If....If I'm honest."
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Date: 2020-09-17 07:22 pm (UTC)"Maybe she did? I don't know how finding out these things works here." Felix looks up at his husband. Moves over to slip an arm around his shoulders.
"The child sounds like a nice boy, at least."
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Date: 2020-09-17 10:17 pm (UTC)Jim's a grown man now, old enough to know why his mother and brother acted the way they did. He's no longer the child his mother couldn't stand to look at for too long. The child who'd just weigh his brother down when he tried to get away. He's not helpless anymore.
So why does he feel so small?
"...What?" The boy. His brother's son. Jim can have as much resentment and frustration as he wants with Sam but. Jim glances back at the PADD with a sift sigh.
"He does. Yeah."
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Date: 2020-09-17 10:47 pm (UTC)Jim has a soft spot for children. Felix knows that very well by now. A harder plea to resist than anything his brother or mother could say. The Imperial shifts his grip on the PADD and thumbs to open the attachment, unable to resist his curiosity.
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Date: 2020-09-18 12:22 pm (UTC)Jim makes a soft noise to see the messy attempts at letters covered up by a scribble that could possibly be the Enterprise-A or equally as likely a very unfortunate ball of yarn. He's dragging a hand up to cover his mouth. It hides the smile he's trying and failing to give.
Even if Jim never wanted to see the others again...surely the youngest Kirk deserves a family that's intact. An uncle...or two, really, who can remind him that he's got people in his corner.
"Suppose I should ask them what his name is." Muffled and so very quiet.
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Date: 2020-09-18 06:01 pm (UTC)Felix isn't sure how to feel about that. Nor about the sudden perspective of having someone younger to whom they both owe some kind of familial duty. It's nothing to what Jim must be wrestling with but still-
"...If only for his sake," he agrees. He's not about to get in the way of his husband's heart right now. "As for the others-" He hesitates.
"Do you... want to see them?" Does he even know?
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Date: 2020-09-19 04:05 pm (UTC)His husband is lost with no real path forward in these strange waters.
"No. I don't know. Maybe?" His sigh fills their quarters. Tiber has started purring and nuzzling up against Felix's hand where it rests on the desk and Jim's face. "He deserves a family that's intact, not at each other's throats. Kids...can tell. When something's wrong. They can. I....I know I don't want that."
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Date: 2020-09-20 12:02 am (UTC)Nor would Felix let him just stifle his own needs like that. Hurt himself because- well, they've had this conversation a few times recently. No need to dwell on it.
"Perhaps it depends. On how much they're willing to meet you, too." He sets the PADD down. Cups Jim's face gently. "...You need some time to breathe. Do you want some coffee? Tea?"
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Date: 2020-09-20 01:29 pm (UTC)"We've got some time, at least. Aside from a subspace message like this no one's going to be expecting a direct call until we refuel at a base." He doesn't have to decide right now. Or at all, if he doesn't want to, Jim knows.
"If you give me coffee now I'm not sleeping tonight, Love." Jim reaches up to touch at the back of Felix's hand, wrapped in cloth as it is. "Do we have anything stronger left yet from the wedding?"
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Date: 2020-10-02 07:19 pm (UTC)Or, now, to smile softly and chuckle at his request. The Imperial's heart is melting all the more for that quiet affection, the fact that Jim is allowing him to help after the last few weeks.
Jim's come a long way, since they met, and maybe he's gotten better at this than Felix.
"There's a nice Kvatch whiskey I squirreled away before Leonard and Scotty could get too far into it. I'll be right back."
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Date: 2020-10-03 04:41 pm (UTC)There's not much for soft warmth in Jim's tired face when he lifts his eyes to meet Felix's feather soft chuckle.
"Sure. That'll...just don't let me drink too much. I've got to make it to Alpha yet."
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Date: 2020-10-04 11:20 pm (UTC)"We're here for you." It's not like before. Jim is no longer a lost and lonely child. He has his own family. His own close-knit friends and crew ready to have his back.
This time, Felix swears, it's going to be okay.