Unravelling
Dec. 20th, 2017 08:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
smartass_captainNo matter how weird or strained things are between them, no matter how busy or stressed or exhausted Jim's been he'd made sure to send something for Felix's birthday. It's small this year, nothing more than a note and a bottle of the mage's favorite brandy from Jim's world. He left it at the guard station for Felix and went right back to work.
Jim hasn't gotten any messages since.
They haven't been seeing much of each other since the Nightmare unraveled, partially because Jim's been avoiding everyone like the plague. Even his counterpart has been brushed aside now as sleep deprivation and Remembrance Day grow ever closer. A year older. A year older than George Kirk ever got to be. And for what? What has he done to be worthy of that when his father sacrificed so much to give him this life? Jim should be dead. He doesn't deserve this.
He doesn't deserve Felix.
Not when he can't even decide who he is and what he wants. His PINpoint sits unused and ignored in his deskside drawer. The ornate dragon statuette moved to a shelf over by the replicator and out of Jim's line of sight from his desk. If he accepts this promotion in Yorktown, he'll be leaving his crew behind. How could he keep going to the Nexus if he's turning his back on his family on the Enterprise? Jim knows the answer. He can't.
If he takes this promotion, he's going to be leaving the Nexus for good.
The captain buries his hands in his hair and leans over his desk. Jim doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know what he should do. What he wants to do. What the right answer is. It's all a mess and nothing is right. He's so tired.
He just wants the world to make sense again.
Jim hasn't gotten any messages since.
They haven't been seeing much of each other since the Nightmare unraveled, partially because Jim's been avoiding everyone like the plague. Even his counterpart has been brushed aside now as sleep deprivation and Remembrance Day grow ever closer. A year older. A year older than George Kirk ever got to be. And for what? What has he done to be worthy of that when his father sacrificed so much to give him this life? Jim should be dead. He doesn't deserve this.
He doesn't deserve Felix.
Not when he can't even decide who he is and what he wants. His PINpoint sits unused and ignored in his deskside drawer. The ornate dragon statuette moved to a shelf over by the replicator and out of Jim's line of sight from his desk. If he accepts this promotion in Yorktown, he'll be leaving his crew behind. How could he keep going to the Nexus if he's turning his back on his family on the Enterprise? Jim knows the answer. He can't.
If he takes this promotion, he's going to be leaving the Nexus for good.
The captain buries his hands in his hair and leans over his desk. Jim doesn't know what to do. Doesn't know what he should do. What he wants to do. What the right answer is. It's all a mess and nothing is right. He's so tired.
He just wants the world to make sense again.
