Unconventional Coping Mechanisms [for ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
heirtothedragonsfire ](dated Post-Beyond plot)
Jan. 14th, 2018 10:06 amsmartass_captainThere's several messages waiting for Jim on his PINpoint when he gets out of his meeting with Commodore Carthwright and back to his temporary quarters. The recovery efforts on Starbase Yorktown are proceeding without trouble and Jim's finished the worst of his post mission duties days ago with Bones and Spock. All the letters have been sent. Recovery missions to Altamid and the surrounding space for body recovery are still ongoing, so there is no date for the commemoration to the lives lost yet.
In the meantime, he's been in briefing after meeting after thinktank giving his recount of the mission and more importantly, the breaching of the nebula. Being able to navigate it opens up whole new sectors of uncharted space and Starfleet has been going for the Federation's backing on getting the gear in place to do do just that.
An exciting prospect. One Captain Kirk is more than happy to lend his assistance on.
Jim sends off replies to the messages left for him with a small smile on his face. Being connected to the Nexus again and his friends is a breath of fresh air he'd missed like a lost limb when he'd thought it was taken away for good. His smile fades when he sees the last one.
Isidor wants to meet with him? They haven't spoken in months. Not since their group efforts in Tamriel. Jim hadn't been conscious enough to thank her when they split up at the end and before he even caught sight of her at Halloween everything was pain and that insidious orange glow. Nightmares that still leave bolting upright in bed screaming more nights than not. He scrubs a hand down his face and keys out a reply. Agreeing to a time and the coordinates Isidor has left for him in the Nexus.
He's in his dress uniform when he comes through the Nexus at the agreed upon time, a sleek grey military dress uniform with hat tucked under his arm as he pulls open the door to an elegant tea parlor. Every table is its own little secluded booth. The hostess walks Jim over to a familiar face waiting for him. He takes a seat across from Isidor Durant.
"I was gonna apologize about the outfit but I have a feeling if I'd had time to change before coming here I'd be woefully under dressed."
In the meantime, he's been in briefing after meeting after thinktank giving his recount of the mission and more importantly, the breaching of the nebula. Being able to navigate it opens up whole new sectors of uncharted space and Starfleet has been going for the Federation's backing on getting the gear in place to do do just that.
An exciting prospect. One Captain Kirk is more than happy to lend his assistance on.
Jim sends off replies to the messages left for him with a small smile on his face. Being connected to the Nexus again and his friends is a breath of fresh air he'd missed like a lost limb when he'd thought it was taken away for good. His smile fades when he sees the last one.
Isidor wants to meet with him? They haven't spoken in months. Not since their group efforts in Tamriel. Jim hadn't been conscious enough to thank her when they split up at the end and before he even caught sight of her at Halloween everything was pain and that insidious orange glow. Nightmares that still leave bolting upright in bed screaming more nights than not. He scrubs a hand down his face and keys out a reply. Agreeing to a time and the coordinates Isidor has left for him in the Nexus.
He's in his dress uniform when he comes through the Nexus at the agreed upon time, a sleek grey military dress uniform with hat tucked under his arm as he pulls open the door to an elegant tea parlor. Every table is its own little secluded booth. The hostess walks Jim over to a familiar face waiting for him. He takes a seat across from Isidor Durant.
"I was gonna apologize about the outfit but I have a feeling if I'd had time to change before coming here I'd be woefully under dressed."
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Date: 2018-01-14 06:28 pm (UTC)"Jim. You would have been fine, but the uniform is nice. It suits you." She waits for him to get settled before continuing. Her voice softens ever so slightly. "How have you been?"
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Date: 2018-01-14 06:42 pm (UTC)"How much have you heard? I'm back, and that's enough for me for the moment. Things have been..." The captain trails off and tries to think of a more polite term to describe how his January has been. He licks at his bottom lip before settling on, "...busy."
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Date: 2018-01-14 07:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-01-14 10:15 pm (UTC)Jim turns and offers a charming smile to their waitress and orders a green tea from the selection offered and waits for Isidor to make her selection before he looks back to his companion. Fidgets with the brim of his hat until the waitress is once again gone from their table.
"I got pulled into that Nightmare over Halloween along with...it sounded like a lot of folks. Harrowheart included. Haven't seen him since. I hope he's alright. I needed time to put myself back together after the shit I saw there. And before that, on Nirn."
And Khan before that. Jim lets out a long, shaky breath. Leans back in his seat and takes a deep breath. It's been a hell of a year for him. He's hoping this one is much quieter.
"Though work's kept me from the Nexus until recently. There was an Incident. I was stuck in my world for a while until some friends came to get me. Things finally seem to be looking up."
With his update brief but more or less over, Jim tips the hat in his hands toward her.
"What about you?"
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Date: 2018-01-15 06:10 pm (UTC)She does raise an eyebrow at his mention of an Incident. How very ominous. It's even more surprising then that he seems to have come out the better for it.
"Oh, uh..." Dragging herself out of her surprise, she tries to think of what to say. "I... Viatorus was pulled into the Nightmare. It... It left him vulnerable for a while. An incident of our own left him... shaken. I've just been trying to focus on him since then."
It's easier that way, focusing on someone else. Isidor rubs a knuckle and then folds her hands as she pushes aside the flash of shame that comes with turning her brother's misfortune into something selfish.
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Date: 2018-01-15 06:55 pm (UTC)Unfortunately, details of the ordeal on Altamid are every kind of classified especially from the people he knows in the Nexus save for one or two exceptions. Jim can't risk his counterpart learning what's happened even on accident. This is the sort of thing that could alter timelines in ways Jim's not prepared to even consider. Even if his gut reaction is to tell the younger Kirk everything he can to try and avoid the scale loss of life he's suffered, who knows what those intentions could further change?
No. as painful as it is, this is one thing Jim can't and won't share. At least not for a few years. Who knows, the other one may never have to deal with it in the first place.
Once again, Isidor's stoicism and ability to focus solely on the path in front of her impresses him. here he's been waking up in a cold sweat screaming even months after, and Isidor's pushed past and turned all her attention onto helping Viatorus with his own demons instead. Jim nods along with her recounting of Viatorus being in the nightmare as well. Jim never saw him in there, but he gathered there were many more people than he ever came into contact with. For the best, really, considering what he had pursuing him once they got out of Tarsus.
"He's lucky to have you by his side." Though Jim can't help but notice that she's not saying anything about herself or Harrowheart in all of this. Maybe she's still upset with him after all at how everything shook out. Maybe she feels like it's not his business. Jim had gone dark after Halloween, literally even once his PINpoint was destroyed.
"I've had to focus on my crew as well, but it hasn't been easy. For a long time I was barely keeping it together."
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Date: 2018-01-15 07:47 pm (UTC)"Really?" She asks without thinking and hastily tries to cover up her surprise by clearing her throat. "You... You're a captain. I would have thought you were used to dealing with... well... so much stress."
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Date: 2018-01-16 02:12 am (UTC)Jim shakes his head, gaze dropping down to the hat he has sitting on the table next to him. He picks it up and fusses with it for a few seconds to busy his hands and ease the nervous energy that bubbles up even now. Thinking about their trek through Tamriel. About the Nightmare. and Altamid. Keeps his breathing even and deep despite the tightness he feels in his chest.
It passes.
It always does, eventually. Jim's stronger than it. He can handle it.
"Even the concealer I'm wearing doesn't hide the shadows under my eyes. Sleep's been a fucking pipe dream for months now. I'm not one blink away from passing out on the bridge anymore though. It's getting better."
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Date: 2018-01-16 03:13 pm (UTC)"How?" Her eyes flicker over him as if she might spot his secret. "How did you deal with it?"
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Date: 2018-01-16 05:10 pm (UTC)The exhaustion on his features is much easier to see like this. Dropping hold of his captain's facade is never easy, but there are reasons to be honest. Suspecting someone else is in the same boat he is definitely ranks up there for reasons to do so.
"I lied." It's a simple answer. Jim takes a deep breath when the waitress comes back into view and he's all charming smiles again. All bright vivacious life and collected. He gives Isidor a knowing look but doesn't drop the smile again when the waitress leaves. "I've been lying for most of my life. It's been a goddamn mess and after a while the only way to move on is to say it doesn't get to you."
The tea is a welcome sense of warmth. Once Jim wraps his hands around and breathes in deep the subtle herbal scents.
"But if you're asking how I kept from losing my seat and having a complete breakdown, that might be a longer discussion."
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Date: 2018-01-16 07:25 pm (UTC)Turning back to the drinks laid out for them, she lifts her cup and takes a small sip of coffee. Slowly setting the cup back down, she meets Jim's gaze again. "I've got time. If you're willing to tell me."
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Date: 2018-01-16 08:38 pm (UTC)"Everyone experiences this kind of thing differently," it's easier to begin as though he's giving a briefing. Discussing a mission. Something detached, clinical, and informative. Pretending he's not talking about himself and the troubles that lurk barely hidden beneath the surface. He's let the mask drop in front of Isidor and on purpose no less. There is no turning back now.
"For me, it's nightmares. Being taken back to things that have happened before most of the time. But sometimes, being made to misremember things that become twisted and even worse than they were." The captain's gaze is decidedly focused on the swirling amber liquid in his cup.
He's stronger than this. Even if Isidor's opinion of him changes, he can handle this. Besides, he's getting the feeling this is something she needs to hear. The anxiety buzzes like a swarm of bees in his head but Jim stays still and doesn't provoke it.
"I drink sometimes to dull the pain. Sit in the shower until the hot water's gone. Once the panic attack sets in, all you can do is ride it out. What I work really damn hard to do is not get them in the first place. So I don't sleep very much. I throw myself into my work and do everything I can to make a difference in other avenues." He pauses then, licking at his bottom lip before shrugging.
"Having Felix around helps. An anchor to remind me what's real and what's not when I'm lost in the middle of my own head."
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Date: 2018-01-16 10:48 pm (UTC)It's almost painful to try an keep her voice even, to try and keep her breaths steady. "Doesn't it affect your work? How do you hide it?"
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Date: 2018-01-17 01:46 am (UTC)Jim finally looks up again. He can nearly see how thinly stretched Isidor is over her own problems. It's easier to spot it when you feel the same way.
"Most folks would go see a shrink. A therapist. But the kind of shit I've seen there is no therapy for. And I wouldn't go. It works for some folks. Not for me."
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Date: 2018-01-17 08:48 pm (UTC)A therapist won't help her, either. The moment she goes and pays someone official the Archon will know. Stathis will ask. Eventually they'll find out why and she'll find herself in front of them fending off questions about her ability to be a patron. Then it's just a question of who else knows. Her world is a small one. The walls have eyes, and gossip is a lethal hobby. She simply can't afford it. Which leaves her with the other options.
"Compartmentalising," she repeats. "How do you do that?"
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Date: 2018-01-20 01:01 am (UTC)Grips onto his mug of tea tighter. The first time he tries to talk nothing comes out and he shuts his mouth again. Licks at his bottom lip carefully before making a second attempt. It's so much harder to talk about this with anyone after so long of keeping it to himself. Even when he wants to talk the words are hard to come by.
"Later. I can worry about it later." Jim takes a sip of his tea. Sets it aside. "I have X, Y, and Z to do. X, Y, and Z. I do this first. Then this. Then that. And then I can break down. The more I focus on what I can do, the easier it is to push on through an initial incident and stave it off until later. But when later comes...it hurts. A lot. And I sit through it every time. Let it run its course. Pick up the pieces when it's over and go back to the next things I need to be doing. The cycle starts all over."
Jim's got his arms folded in front of him with each hand gripping firmly to the arm its resting against. Holding himself tightly.
"When things go wrong on the ship, there's no time for second guessing. No time for panic. I've gotten used to tapping into that mindset and shutting everything else out when I need to. Strangling the life out of my fear and anxiety long enough to do what needs to be done. When it's over and the danger's passed...then. Then I can collapse in a dark quiet room and shatter."
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Date: 2018-01-23 11:54 am (UTC)"You can focus even with all that pressure on you?" she asks, head half-turned so that she can give him a sidelong look. "With all the people asking you how you are, prodding you, all the people waiting, watching for the slightest hint of weakness, all the people itching for you to fail, your own mind screaming at you… You can focus on the tasks in front of you? But it's so much."
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Date: 2018-01-24 12:29 am (UTC)Even when he does everything right, people die. Jim tries so hard not to lose anyone but it's just not possible. Theirs is a mission that carries a lot of risk with it. He can't save everyone, even when he tries.
"It's not easy. And like I said, when I break later....it's bad. And it hurts. But I can get through it. I have before and I will again. Having someone you can trust to see you at your worst helps. Maybe you should give Harrowheart that job. It's not easy to do that either. Felix found out about my shit on accident but it was inevitable with how close we are. And it helps so much. As much as I hate being seen like that, having someone there to help pick me up when it's over is just....I can't put it into words."
He gives a humorless chuckle and takes another sip of his tea.
"I'm not used to being cared for. I can't explain what it's like to have that, after spending my whole life without it."
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Date: 2018-01-24 03:19 pm (UTC)Jim mentions the death knight and Isidor's gaze snaps to his, her frown deepening reflexively into a scowl. She forgot he knows. How could he not? Now flushed with defensive irritation, she looks away to avoid unleashing her impatient temper on the man she called to get advice from.
In a very careful, purposeful motion, she picks up her up, sips her coffee, and sets it down so that she can flatten out the creases in her trousers in a slow, smooth wipe. "I'm not like that," she says eventually. "I don't have hundreds of people relying on me. Just a few. I don't have the eyes of a Federation locked on me, or the future of a whole race of people depending on me." She takes a deep breath and meets Jim's gaze. "I have one job. One role. I have to be the strong one. So, you understand, I can't break. Not in front of my family, not in front of my friends. Not even in front of Harrowheart. And…" Another deep breath. "If there's anything else you know that can… help me do my job, I would be grateful."
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Date: 2018-01-25 01:31 am (UTC)Jim shakes his head slowly. He knows all too well that mindset and to how it ends up biting people in the ass. It hurts to say so, but Isidor has proven to prefer directness above other means of conversation.
"You're already broken. You can slap tape over the cracks and try to hold yourself together as best you can in public, but you're going to shatter sometime. I understand not being able to in public, but it will happen. All you can do is pick up the pieces when it's done with. Before I relied on Felix, I relied on the bottle. On cheap fucks to use me and give me something else to focus on. On fights that left me bloody because they gave a form to the pain I was already feeling."
None of it was healthy. A lot of it still isn't. But he's getting by.
"I handled my own shit alone for well over a decade and a half, but let me tell you. It's not easy. And I wouldn't go back to it now that I've got Felix."
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Date: 2018-01-26 12:55 pm (UTC)"No, you don't understand-!" Isidor stops herself, suddenly aware of the bared teeth and loud growling of her voice. She casts a quick glance around, clears her throat and lowers her voice. "You know Viatorus, and you saw Harrowheart's soul. They need someone to rely on, not the other way around. They couldn't cope with it. I need something else."
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Date: 2018-01-26 01:31 pm (UTC)No matter how Isidor bristles Jim doesn't flinch. He's faced down monsters vile enough to ruin entire planets. Facing down someone he considers a friend is harder in some ways, but her bared teeth have Jim disassociating back into the safety of his captain's demeanor. Pulling the cool face on like a barrier between himself and the rest of the world. Later, he will be guilty about the words coming out of his mouth. Later, he will lay awake and gasp for air at the thought of admitting this side of him to another soul. What she'll do with that knowledge.
Later.
"If you're so fucking strong, why even come to me to begin with? Just to gloat about your superiority and rub my nose in it? I'm trying to help you. Do it all on your own if you feel you have to. I've been there. Someone's going to see the truth eventually and it won't be on your terms. Most people will leave. How could they be expected to handle that? Especially with no forewarning. You have something special right now, and it'd be a fucking waste to see you throw it away because of your pride."
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Date: 2018-01-26 08:40 pm (UTC)Shock is plastered across her face until it turns into a glare, jaw twitching with the effort of keeping it clamped shut while he talks. Whatever nice sentiment is behind his words Isidor doesn't hear it.
"I never said any of that," she snaps the second she gets a chance. "Are you even listening to me? How can you think I'm saying I'm superior when I'm saying the people you're telling me to rely on would break if I leaned on them?" She narrows her eyes. "I thought you of all people would understand the need to spare the people around you from your own issues. The need to give them one strong person to rely on, who never seems to break or falter."
She leans forward and points and her chest. "I ask you to tell me how to be more like you and you-!" With a wave of her hand she sits back suddenly into her seat. "Take it as an insult! Why? Because I can't do it the same way as you?" She lifts her eyebrows and tilts her head at him. "Whose pride is that?"
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Date: 2018-01-26 10:10 pm (UTC)Jim's waving one hand in between them as if trying to clear the air. The gesture is sharp and quick, belying how raw his frustration is no matter how hard he tries to keep his voice down. It's there again, like a swarm of buzzing bees looming over him. Waiting for him to crack even a little bit. Waiting to sting and gouge at his insides with knifing pain until only numb acceptance is left.
Anything to make it go away. Jim tries again and tries to breathe deep before he speaks.
"You can't be me, Isidor. If you can't go to Harrowheart or Viatorus then fine. Talk to someone who gets it. Someone who knows the score and isn't afraid to call you out on your shit. If you can't trust anyone at home then find someone here. Fuck, go to their world a dimension away from all the judgemental eyes you're so worried about. The substance of what I'm saying stands true. Don't--do not try to hold it all inside of you alone. I've been there, I've lived that, and I've died doing that. Might not get you as quickly as it did me but...that's what I'm trying to tell you."
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Date: 2018-01-27 11:03 pm (UTC)Jim tells her not to keep it inside of herself and her eyes roll to the side. Someone at another table looks away quickly so she continues to stare to deter her from looking over again. So. That's it then. There's nothing else? Talk to a therapist and have her family find out. Talk to someone close to her and have them second guess her forever after, or worse, have them break from the pressure of it. Talk to someone else and pray to the gods that whatever follows isn't as bad as the other consequences. Or deal with it herself and bet against Jim's life experience.
"I was hoping for... more," she says eventually. Her grip on her own arms tightens. Her frown deepens. "Whatever I do puts other people at risk.
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Date: 2018-01-27 11:29 pm (UTC)Jim shakes his head and sighs. This time some of the tension bleeds out of his shoulders. It leaves him looking tired for a second or two before he catches himself and sits straighter again.
"So put someone who doesn't matter to you at risk. Come back to my place. We can go spar sometime. You can stay there if things get bad until you feel whole enough to be seen by others again. You and I have never even had the chance to be friends before we were made into battle comrades. I took a risk in telling you as much as I have, plus, I can't just sit by and watch someone else drag along the same kind of baggage as I've been struggling with for half my damn life."
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Date: 2018-01-28 12:01 am (UTC)Her head snaps around to him, her shocked expression plain to see. A moment later she shuts her mouth and looks away again. Slowly her frown reappears and her fingers drum against her arm a few times.
After a few minutes she asks, "And no one else will know? Not Felix or Stratos or Harrowheart?"
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Date: 2018-01-28 03:35 pm (UTC)"This isn't the sort of thing you need an audience for. It's your business."
So long as he's careful warns Felix against showing up unannounced there's no real worry to be had. No one else has the coordinates to his apartment in Yorktown. It's not exactly new to the mage that Jim is keeping the Nexus a secret from his world either.
"The coordinates will take you to my office room at the apartment in Yorktown. Only person who's ever in there is me, so if you need to be there at a weird hour you should be safe. Just let me know you're there."
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Date: 2018-01-30 11:28 am (UTC)"Thank you," she says after a while. There's a frown on her brow that makes it look like she's not sure if that's the right thing to say. She looks away then, not sure where to go from here.
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Date: 2018-02-03 02:27 pm (UTC)"I can think of a few things that might help. Outlets for stress that might keep the attacks at bay. We'll talk about it later. I need to rearrange a few things at my apartment. I'll text you the coordinates once I get back. When you need to come over, you do."
Jim leans back in his seat then and turns to his cup of tea. It's lukewarm by now, but he pays it no mind. It's calming and that's really all that matters right now.
"You're welcome. Thanks for telling me. I know what a bitch letting anyone in can be."
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Date: 2018-02-08 01:01 pm (UTC)She wouldn't have let him if she hadn't needed to, but that's not what she should say, she knows that much at least. "I'll find a way to repay you," she says instead. "For… what you're doing."
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Date: 2018-02-09 10:07 pm (UTC)It's another sentiment he's familiar with. Loathing anything even perceived as pity or sympathy. Needing not to owe anyone anything. It's so strange to see it being used on him. Usually the shoe's on the other foot.
"I don't like owing people either." He smiles wanly at Isidor over his drink before polishing it off and setting the empty cup aside. "Why did you ask to see me today? Was it really because of this? Or was there something else we've managed to tangent that you wanted to talk to me about?"
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Date: 2018-02-10 11:22 am (UTC)"It was because of this, and..." She hesitates, but frustration compels her to continue. "We couldn't just... leave it there. We couldn't just never talk again. I know Stratos and Felix would need even more time before I ever tried talking to them, but... The things that happened. We couldn't pretend it didn't. I... needed to see how you were, as well as ask your advice about... dealing with the aftermath."
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Date: 2018-02-10 07:20 pm (UTC)The smile Jim offers Isidor now is small and lacking humor but it i does have understanding.
"Not to say we couldn't become friends, it's just. I don't know hardly anything about you and I'm sure the sentiment is the same for you. But I know how quick you are with your spells and how you handle an axe. I know where to move if we had to fight together again."
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Date: 2018-02-17 04:48 pm (UTC)"It's... still a special relationship," she admits quietly, looking down at her cup. "There are people I know plenty about who I wouldn't want by my side in a fight. But what we went through makes... comrades, as you put it. I'm not eager to throw that away."
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Date: 2018-02-20 10:57 pm (UTC)Jim waits until Isidor's looking at him and reasonably convinced she's not going to run right off with her axe in hand when he mentions the conjurer.
"He's often in my apartment in Yorktown. No reason to be in the study though, and no interest either. I've made sure of that. You won't have to worry about my crew or Felix bothering you if you need to use the place. But we've spent a lot of time talking the last few weeks. He's similarly shaken as all of us are by everything that's happened."
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Date: 2018-02-22 11:35 am (UTC)"More than just 'shaken', I imagine," she's quick to say. It's with a softer voice she adds, "I'm glad you're talking. I'm glad you have each other."
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Date: 2018-02-25 03:14 pm (UTC)Jim's not sure how much he should be explaining to her right now. They've already practically admitted they're not friends, not yet anyway. But if she does end up using his study (and Jim's pretty sure already that she will if only to keep anyone else from seeing her at hear weakest) she's going to potentially overhear things.
How to delicately explain something he hasn't even told his best friends or crew? Something Jim's still struggling to understand the ramifications of himself? True to form, Jim's thought of everything except how to deal with his own issues on this. Though in this case, the issue at least isn't a traumatic one. As if finally realizing he's been quiet for several moments too long Jim suddenly nods again, quicker this time.
"He...he has breakdowns too. They're less frequent than they were before, but...as I've already said, it's a slow process."
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Date: 2018-02-26 10:53 am (UTC)And yet she hears he's slowly getting better and also thinks, Good. She never got the impression that Felix was a particularly bad person. It had been a mistake. A grievous mistake, but a mistake nonetheless.
Isidor nods along with Jim's news, staying silent after he speaks to give the matter due respect.
"I can't say I'm surprised," she says then, her eyes dipping to look at her cold drink. "The runeblades' influence is not an experience you're meant to survive. His life is changed, he'll see things differently, and few awakenings are pleasant. He'll need you now more than ever."
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Date: 2018-03-02 02:16 am (UTC)It's frankly amazing how Jim's already risked his very soul to save Felix's and yet it's the prospect of a simple engagement that is supposed to prove he's determined to stay by Felix's side? There's no reason for anyone who knew of their mission in Bruma to be at all surprised. And when he thinks of it like that the words spill out before he can really pick them carefully.
His mouth charging in before his brain. How very like Jim Kirk.
"We're engaged. So, you know, he's gonna be around a lot. A lot more than he already was. Which...nevermind. The point is, he'll be around and not just in my bedroom now."
Not that they have the strictest policy on keeping things sequestered to the bedroom but it's really really best if Jim stops talking so he does just that.
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Date: 2018-03-04 07:21 pm (UTC)"Are you sure that's sensible?" She can't help herself. It doesn't matter what little it will affect her, but she can't not say something. "Wouldn't it be best to... take time before you rush into a decision like that?"
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Date: 2018-03-04 10:31 pm (UTC)Jim sighs and cuts himself of before he ends up snapping at Isidor again for something she really can't have any way of knowing. Leans his head back a moment and forces himself to gather his thoughts.
"I've been planning to ask him since well before the whole fiasco in Tamriel happened. Nearly a year now. And shit just kept happening. And I didn't plan on asking him the minute I got back here, but he was present when I was returned the few personal items of mine that survived the Enterprise's destruction, one of which, was a half ruined amulet of Mara. Which is pretty much an engagement ring over there. He panicked because he thought I'd accepted it from someone else and I kind of had to tell him at that point. So...now here we are."
It's not the suave romantic moment Jim thinks Felix deserved, but a damaged yet still Mara-blessed amulet does reflect these two broken yet still attached men a lot more than anything else could. It's too soon to all the trauma Felix has endured and not when Jim would have chosen to ask, but putting it off is just waiting for the next big thing to happen in the Nexus or on Jim's mission.
It wasn't perfect, but nothing is.
The point is, they're together again. The captain doesn't think anything else could make him this relieved.
"I'm not going to pretend Felix is perfect any more than you can claim the same over Harrowh--over Peter. But I know that almost losing him was the worst fucking thing I've ever had to cope with and that includes a fuck of a lot of trauma as it turns out. I've already risked my soul for him, Isidor. I'm not going to turn away now."
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Date: 2018-03-05 11:04 am (UTC)With that aside, she inhales slowly, looking around while Jim gives the rest of his speech. Once he's finished she gives him the thin lipped look of a disapproving aunt.
"I'm not saying you're going to turn away from him, or that you don't care for each other. All I'm saying is that it isn't wise to jump into big life choices while you're both suffering from trauma. So you'll probably still feel the same later, and that's fine. But making decisions when you can barely process them? Making memories that will be linked with the pain of you both healing?" She raises her eyebrows and tilts her head in a look that says 'come on'.
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Date: 2018-03-10 03:22 pm (UTC)Jim might have stumbled onto one of hers already but she's doing an awfully good job of riding the line of his too. They have quite a lot in common, and that includes thinking they know what's best for other people a lot of the time. He doesn't drop Isidor's gaze, refuses to look cowed down or regretful. She's saying things he's said to himself already but it's not as though he can take it back nor that they could even rush to act on it if they wanted to. A mountain of work stands between them going any further. Still, he digs in his heels and refuses to break Isidor's gaze for several long moments after she's done and giving him that Look.
"You're not wrong." It's the most diplomatic concession Jim could make himself give when he looks away. His tone is quiet. Respectful again. "But it's done. I'm not gonna waste time worrying about it when there's so much more to do. And that includes finding some good outlets for you, so. I'd best get to work."
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Date: 2018-03-13 09:27 pm (UTC)"I suppose you'd better," is all she can say in response at first.
After a moment she calms down a bit more and though she raises an eyebrow at him, her voice is soft. "I hope you know what you're doing."