Unconventional Coping Mechanisms [for ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
heirtothedragonsfire ](dated Post-Beyond plot)
Jan. 14th, 2018 10:06 amsmartass_captainThere's several messages waiting for Jim on his PINpoint when he gets out of his meeting with Commodore Carthwright and back to his temporary quarters. The recovery efforts on Starbase Yorktown are proceeding without trouble and Jim's finished the worst of his post mission duties days ago with Bones and Spock. All the letters have been sent. Recovery missions to Altamid and the surrounding space for body recovery are still ongoing, so there is no date for the commemoration to the lives lost yet.
In the meantime, he's been in briefing after meeting after thinktank giving his recount of the mission and more importantly, the breaching of the nebula. Being able to navigate it opens up whole new sectors of uncharted space and Starfleet has been going for the Federation's backing on getting the gear in place to do do just that.
An exciting prospect. One Captain Kirk is more than happy to lend his assistance on.
Jim sends off replies to the messages left for him with a small smile on his face. Being connected to the Nexus again and his friends is a breath of fresh air he'd missed like a lost limb when he'd thought it was taken away for good. His smile fades when he sees the last one.
Isidor wants to meet with him? They haven't spoken in months. Not since their group efforts in Tamriel. Jim hadn't been conscious enough to thank her when they split up at the end and before he even caught sight of her at Halloween everything was pain and that insidious orange glow. Nightmares that still leave bolting upright in bed screaming more nights than not. He scrubs a hand down his face and keys out a reply. Agreeing to a time and the coordinates Isidor has left for him in the Nexus.
He's in his dress uniform when he comes through the Nexus at the agreed upon time, a sleek grey military dress uniform with hat tucked under his arm as he pulls open the door to an elegant tea parlor. Every table is its own little secluded booth. The hostess walks Jim over to a familiar face waiting for him. He takes a seat across from Isidor Durant.
"I was gonna apologize about the outfit but I have a feeling if I'd had time to change before coming here I'd be woefully under dressed."
In the meantime, he's been in briefing after meeting after thinktank giving his recount of the mission and more importantly, the breaching of the nebula. Being able to navigate it opens up whole new sectors of uncharted space and Starfleet has been going for the Federation's backing on getting the gear in place to do do just that.
An exciting prospect. One Captain Kirk is more than happy to lend his assistance on.
Jim sends off replies to the messages left for him with a small smile on his face. Being connected to the Nexus again and his friends is a breath of fresh air he'd missed like a lost limb when he'd thought it was taken away for good. His smile fades when he sees the last one.
Isidor wants to meet with him? They haven't spoken in months. Not since their group efforts in Tamriel. Jim hadn't been conscious enough to thank her when they split up at the end and before he even caught sight of her at Halloween everything was pain and that insidious orange glow. Nightmares that still leave bolting upright in bed screaming more nights than not. He scrubs a hand down his face and keys out a reply. Agreeing to a time and the coordinates Isidor has left for him in the Nexus.
He's in his dress uniform when he comes through the Nexus at the agreed upon time, a sleek grey military dress uniform with hat tucked under his arm as he pulls open the door to an elegant tea parlor. Every table is its own little secluded booth. The hostess walks Jim over to a familiar face waiting for him. He takes a seat across from Isidor Durant.
"I was gonna apologize about the outfit but I have a feeling if I'd had time to change before coming here I'd be woefully under dressed."
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Date: 2018-01-26 12:55 pm (UTC)"No, you don't understand-!" Isidor stops herself, suddenly aware of the bared teeth and loud growling of her voice. She casts a quick glance around, clears her throat and lowers her voice. "You know Viatorus, and you saw Harrowheart's soul. They need someone to rely on, not the other way around. They couldn't cope with it. I need something else."
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Date: 2018-01-26 01:31 pm (UTC)No matter how Isidor bristles Jim doesn't flinch. He's faced down monsters vile enough to ruin entire planets. Facing down someone he considers a friend is harder in some ways, but her bared teeth have Jim disassociating back into the safety of his captain's demeanor. Pulling the cool face on like a barrier between himself and the rest of the world. Later, he will be guilty about the words coming out of his mouth. Later, he will lay awake and gasp for air at the thought of admitting this side of him to another soul. What she'll do with that knowledge.
Later.
"If you're so fucking strong, why even come to me to begin with? Just to gloat about your superiority and rub my nose in it? I'm trying to help you. Do it all on your own if you feel you have to. I've been there. Someone's going to see the truth eventually and it won't be on your terms. Most people will leave. How could they be expected to handle that? Especially with no forewarning. You have something special right now, and it'd be a fucking waste to see you throw it away because of your pride."
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Date: 2018-01-26 08:40 pm (UTC)Shock is plastered across her face until it turns into a glare, jaw twitching with the effort of keeping it clamped shut while he talks. Whatever nice sentiment is behind his words Isidor doesn't hear it.
"I never said any of that," she snaps the second she gets a chance. "Are you even listening to me? How can you think I'm saying I'm superior when I'm saying the people you're telling me to rely on would break if I leaned on them?" She narrows her eyes. "I thought you of all people would understand the need to spare the people around you from your own issues. The need to give them one strong person to rely on, who never seems to break or falter."
She leans forward and points and her chest. "I ask you to tell me how to be more like you and you-!" With a wave of her hand she sits back suddenly into her seat. "Take it as an insult! Why? Because I can't do it the same way as you?" She lifts her eyebrows and tilts her head at him. "Whose pride is that?"
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Date: 2018-01-26 10:10 pm (UTC)Jim's waving one hand in between them as if trying to clear the air. The gesture is sharp and quick, belying how raw his frustration is no matter how hard he tries to keep his voice down. It's there again, like a swarm of buzzing bees looming over him. Waiting for him to crack even a little bit. Waiting to sting and gouge at his insides with knifing pain until only numb acceptance is left.
Anything to make it go away. Jim tries again and tries to breathe deep before he speaks.
"You can't be me, Isidor. If you can't go to Harrowheart or Viatorus then fine. Talk to someone who gets it. Someone who knows the score and isn't afraid to call you out on your shit. If you can't trust anyone at home then find someone here. Fuck, go to their world a dimension away from all the judgemental eyes you're so worried about. The substance of what I'm saying stands true. Don't--do not try to hold it all inside of you alone. I've been there, I've lived that, and I've died doing that. Might not get you as quickly as it did me but...that's what I'm trying to tell you."
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Date: 2018-01-27 11:03 pm (UTC)Jim tells her not to keep it inside of herself and her eyes roll to the side. Someone at another table looks away quickly so she continues to stare to deter her from looking over again. So. That's it then. There's nothing else? Talk to a therapist and have her family find out. Talk to someone close to her and have them second guess her forever after, or worse, have them break from the pressure of it. Talk to someone else and pray to the gods that whatever follows isn't as bad as the other consequences. Or deal with it herself and bet against Jim's life experience.
"I was hoping for... more," she says eventually. Her grip on her own arms tightens. Her frown deepens. "Whatever I do puts other people at risk.
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Date: 2018-01-27 11:29 pm (UTC)Jim shakes his head and sighs. This time some of the tension bleeds out of his shoulders. It leaves him looking tired for a second or two before he catches himself and sits straighter again.
"So put someone who doesn't matter to you at risk. Come back to my place. We can go spar sometime. You can stay there if things get bad until you feel whole enough to be seen by others again. You and I have never even had the chance to be friends before we were made into battle comrades. I took a risk in telling you as much as I have, plus, I can't just sit by and watch someone else drag along the same kind of baggage as I've been struggling with for half my damn life."
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Date: 2018-01-28 12:01 am (UTC)Her head snaps around to him, her shocked expression plain to see. A moment later she shuts her mouth and looks away again. Slowly her frown reappears and her fingers drum against her arm a few times.
After a few minutes she asks, "And no one else will know? Not Felix or Stratos or Harrowheart?"
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Date: 2018-01-28 03:35 pm (UTC)"This isn't the sort of thing you need an audience for. It's your business."
So long as he's careful warns Felix against showing up unannounced there's no real worry to be had. No one else has the coordinates to his apartment in Yorktown. It's not exactly new to the mage that Jim is keeping the Nexus a secret from his world either.
"The coordinates will take you to my office room at the apartment in Yorktown. Only person who's ever in there is me, so if you need to be there at a weird hour you should be safe. Just let me know you're there."
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Date: 2018-01-30 11:28 am (UTC)"Thank you," she says after a while. There's a frown on her brow that makes it look like she's not sure if that's the right thing to say. She looks away then, not sure where to go from here.
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Date: 2018-02-03 02:27 pm (UTC)"I can think of a few things that might help. Outlets for stress that might keep the attacks at bay. We'll talk about it later. I need to rearrange a few things at my apartment. I'll text you the coordinates once I get back. When you need to come over, you do."
Jim leans back in his seat then and turns to his cup of tea. It's lukewarm by now, but he pays it no mind. It's calming and that's really all that matters right now.
"You're welcome. Thanks for telling me. I know what a bitch letting anyone in can be."
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Date: 2018-02-08 01:01 pm (UTC)She wouldn't have let him if she hadn't needed to, but that's not what she should say, she knows that much at least. "I'll find a way to repay you," she says instead. "For… what you're doing."
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Date: 2018-02-09 10:07 pm (UTC)It's another sentiment he's familiar with. Loathing anything even perceived as pity or sympathy. Needing not to owe anyone anything. It's so strange to see it being used on him. Usually the shoe's on the other foot.
"I don't like owing people either." He smiles wanly at Isidor over his drink before polishing it off and setting the empty cup aside. "Why did you ask to see me today? Was it really because of this? Or was there something else we've managed to tangent that you wanted to talk to me about?"
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Date: 2018-02-10 11:22 am (UTC)"It was because of this, and..." She hesitates, but frustration compels her to continue. "We couldn't just... leave it there. We couldn't just never talk again. I know Stratos and Felix would need even more time before I ever tried talking to them, but... The things that happened. We couldn't pretend it didn't. I... needed to see how you were, as well as ask your advice about... dealing with the aftermath."
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Date: 2018-02-10 07:20 pm (UTC)The smile Jim offers Isidor now is small and lacking humor but it i does have understanding.
"Not to say we couldn't become friends, it's just. I don't know hardly anything about you and I'm sure the sentiment is the same for you. But I know how quick you are with your spells and how you handle an axe. I know where to move if we had to fight together again."
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Date: 2018-02-17 04:48 pm (UTC)"It's... still a special relationship," she admits quietly, looking down at her cup. "There are people I know plenty about who I wouldn't want by my side in a fight. But what we went through makes... comrades, as you put it. I'm not eager to throw that away."
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Date: 2018-02-20 10:57 pm (UTC)Jim waits until Isidor's looking at him and reasonably convinced she's not going to run right off with her axe in hand when he mentions the conjurer.
"He's often in my apartment in Yorktown. No reason to be in the study though, and no interest either. I've made sure of that. You won't have to worry about my crew or Felix bothering you if you need to use the place. But we've spent a lot of time talking the last few weeks. He's similarly shaken as all of us are by everything that's happened."
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Date: 2018-02-22 11:35 am (UTC)"More than just 'shaken', I imagine," she's quick to say. It's with a softer voice she adds, "I'm glad you're talking. I'm glad you have each other."
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Date: 2018-02-25 03:14 pm (UTC)Jim's not sure how much he should be explaining to her right now. They've already practically admitted they're not friends, not yet anyway. But if she does end up using his study (and Jim's pretty sure already that she will if only to keep anyone else from seeing her at hear weakest) she's going to potentially overhear things.
How to delicately explain something he hasn't even told his best friends or crew? Something Jim's still struggling to understand the ramifications of himself? True to form, Jim's thought of everything except how to deal with his own issues on this. Though in this case, the issue at least isn't a traumatic one. As if finally realizing he's been quiet for several moments too long Jim suddenly nods again, quicker this time.
"He...he has breakdowns too. They're less frequent than they were before, but...as I've already said, it's a slow process."
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Date: 2018-02-26 10:53 am (UTC)And yet she hears he's slowly getting better and also thinks, Good. She never got the impression that Felix was a particularly bad person. It had been a mistake. A grievous mistake, but a mistake nonetheless.
Isidor nods along with Jim's news, staying silent after he speaks to give the matter due respect.
"I can't say I'm surprised," she says then, her eyes dipping to look at her cold drink. "The runeblades' influence is not an experience you're meant to survive. His life is changed, he'll see things differently, and few awakenings are pleasant. He'll need you now more than ever."
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Date: 2018-03-02 02:16 am (UTC)It's frankly amazing how Jim's already risked his very soul to save Felix's and yet it's the prospect of a simple engagement that is supposed to prove he's determined to stay by Felix's side? There's no reason for anyone who knew of their mission in Bruma to be at all surprised. And when he thinks of it like that the words spill out before he can really pick them carefully.
His mouth charging in before his brain. How very like Jim Kirk.
"We're engaged. So, you know, he's gonna be around a lot. A lot more than he already was. Which...nevermind. The point is, he'll be around and not just in my bedroom now."
Not that they have the strictest policy on keeping things sequestered to the bedroom but it's really really best if Jim stops talking so he does just that.
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Date: 2018-03-04 07:21 pm (UTC)"Are you sure that's sensible?" She can't help herself. It doesn't matter what little it will affect her, but she can't not say something. "Wouldn't it be best to... take time before you rush into a decision like that?"
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Date: 2018-03-04 10:31 pm (UTC)Jim sighs and cuts himself of before he ends up snapping at Isidor again for something she really can't have any way of knowing. Leans his head back a moment and forces himself to gather his thoughts.
"I've been planning to ask him since well before the whole fiasco in Tamriel happened. Nearly a year now. And shit just kept happening. And I didn't plan on asking him the minute I got back here, but he was present when I was returned the few personal items of mine that survived the Enterprise's destruction, one of which, was a half ruined amulet of Mara. Which is pretty much an engagement ring over there. He panicked because he thought I'd accepted it from someone else and I kind of had to tell him at that point. So...now here we are."
It's not the suave romantic moment Jim thinks Felix deserved, but a damaged yet still Mara-blessed amulet does reflect these two broken yet still attached men a lot more than anything else could. It's too soon to all the trauma Felix has endured and not when Jim would have chosen to ask, but putting it off is just waiting for the next big thing to happen in the Nexus or on Jim's mission.
It wasn't perfect, but nothing is.
The point is, they're together again. The captain doesn't think anything else could make him this relieved.
"I'm not going to pretend Felix is perfect any more than you can claim the same over Harrowh--over Peter. But I know that almost losing him was the worst fucking thing I've ever had to cope with and that includes a fuck of a lot of trauma as it turns out. I've already risked my soul for him, Isidor. I'm not going to turn away now."
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Date: 2018-03-05 11:04 am (UTC)With that aside, she inhales slowly, looking around while Jim gives the rest of his speech. Once he's finished she gives him the thin lipped look of a disapproving aunt.
"I'm not saying you're going to turn away from him, or that you don't care for each other. All I'm saying is that it isn't wise to jump into big life choices while you're both suffering from trauma. So you'll probably still feel the same later, and that's fine. But making decisions when you can barely process them? Making memories that will be linked with the pain of you both healing?" She raises her eyebrows and tilts her head in a look that says 'come on'.
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Date: 2018-03-10 03:22 pm (UTC)Jim might have stumbled onto one of hers already but she's doing an awfully good job of riding the line of his too. They have quite a lot in common, and that includes thinking they know what's best for other people a lot of the time. He doesn't drop Isidor's gaze, refuses to look cowed down or regretful. She's saying things he's said to himself already but it's not as though he can take it back nor that they could even rush to act on it if they wanted to. A mountain of work stands between them going any further. Still, he digs in his heels and refuses to break Isidor's gaze for several long moments after she's done and giving him that Look.
"You're not wrong." It's the most diplomatic concession Jim could make himself give when he looks away. His tone is quiet. Respectful again. "But it's done. I'm not gonna waste time worrying about it when there's so much more to do. And that includes finding some good outlets for you, so. I'd best get to work."
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Date: 2018-03-13 09:27 pm (UTC)"I suppose you'd better," is all she can say in response at first.
After a moment she calms down a bit more and though she raises an eyebrow at him, her voice is soft. "I hope you know what you're doing."